tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC December 9, 2015 11:34pm-12:37am EST
welcome, welcome, welcome. i'm your host, jimmy fallon. welcome, everybody. hey, i want to say congratulations to german chancellor, angela merkel, who was just named the 2 2015 person of the year by "time" magazine. [ cheers and applause ] you can tell merkel's really excited about it. look -- just look at her. [ laughter and applause ] i am so excited. can't you see how excited i am? [ laughter ] "time" even released a list of the 16 most influential fictional characters of 2 2015, and kate mckinnon's "saturday night live" version of hillary clinton came in third. [ cheers and applause ] isn't that great for kate? yeah, third. i guess she was edged out by hillary's version of hillary clinton and hillary's other version of [ cheers and applause ] both fantastic fictional characters. this is great, too. i don't know if you saw this.
footage of a photo shoot donald trump did with them where he posed with a live bald eagle. [ laughter ] check this out. this is real. >> yeah. >> put your hand down to the floor. >> how does my hair look? [ laughter ] >> there we go. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: after that, trump was like, "i'm now banning all bald eagles from america. [ laughter ] they're not american. how's my hair?" [ laughter ] that's right, everybody's still talking about donald trump. i heard that he skipped an r.n.c. event here in new york city today, called the presidential trust dinner. even though his campaign said he would go. yeah. [ audience oohs ] then chris christie said, "so
plate at the dinner, errrr?" [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: "i'm just saying, i'm putting it out there." i also saw that -- [ laughter ] like, i'm not chris christie. i have a ticket to go to the dinner as well. [ laughter ] >> steve: mmm, more food. >> jimmy: i would never come in here. >> seth: yeah. >> jimmy: i mean, i would never come in here twice. [ laughter ] and come out. that would be silly of me. >> steve: can you hand me the bread from that table? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i saw that carly fiorina spoke about tech policy at a town hall in iowa this week. and it doesn't look like that many people showed up. take a look at this. [ laughter ] that looks less like a town hall and more like my 12th birthday party. [ laughter ] it's like, "i promise, girls are coming, guys. [ applause ] any hour now." meanwhile, jeb bush has fallen to just 3% in a new poll, and his numbers continue to drop.
panic, because the time to panic was like five months ago. [ laughter and applause ] now is not the time. >> steve: now? >> jimmy: way past the time to panic. yeah, yeah, yeah. and ben carson, ben carson just released a new ad called "these hands," that feature regular americans showing -- i know, yeah. i -- [ laughter ] i'm not in the commercial. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, apparently. >> steve: it's about hands. >> jimmy: yeah. but he's in the commercial. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: it's actually -- it's showing what people have accomplished with their hands, and carson himself shows up at the end. it's pretty inspirational. take a look at this. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: what? >> jimmy: i know it's true but i wouldn't put it in the ad. >> steve: why would you make that the last thing in the ad?
for president. i don't know. >> steve: yeah. tried to stab a guy? [ laughter ] that's the wrong message. >> jimmy: guys, last night was the annual victoria's secret fashion show over on cbs. [ cheers ] and it featured models from brazil, sweden and portugal. or as donald trump put it, "i changed my mind on immigrants. i'm fine. let's track these immigrants." [ laughter and applause ] i saw that abc is producing a a made for tv musical remake of "dirty dancing." that's pretty cool. and get this, though, it's gonna be three hours long. [ audience ohs ] by the end, even baby's like, "you know what, go ahead and put me in the corner. [ laughter ] i mean, i just -- i already had the time of my life. i'm exhausted." [ laughter ] guy's like, i can't lift you up right now. it's been so long. i just can't. moves? [ laughter ] >> steve: climb up.
just put one leg on a couch. >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] [ yelling ] >> jimmy: oh, some business news here. i read that yahoo's ceo, marissa mayer, has a severance package that would pay her $160 million if she gets fired. which will mark the first time somebody actually tries to get drunk at their office holiday christmas party. [ laughter ] it's like, "a toast to all your stupid faces. [ laughter ] can i have my go away money please?" this isn't good. i read that a shortage of christmas trees this year has driven average prices for a a standard christmas tree up over $100. >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: even dogs are like, 100 bucks for a toilet? i mean -- [ laughter and applause ] and finally, a new study found that sharing the bed with a pet actually helps some people sleep better, because it makes them feel more safe and secure. isn't that sweet? yeah. here's what a few pets had to say about that. this pug said, "everybody needs a snuggle buddy." [ laughter ] this golden retriever said,
[ laughter ] this cat said, "soon." [ laughter ] [ applause ] we have a great show. give it up for the roots, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! fantastic. welcome, that is two-time grammy award-winning singer, lalah hathaway sitting in with the roots. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for being here,
>> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: lalah she nominated for her fifth grammy this week, and her new album, "lalah hathaway live," is out now. [ cheers and applause ] thanks again for being here. you sound great. >> absolutely. >> jimmy: i appreciate it. please. guys, it's been a great week so far. there's more ahead. tomorrow night, chris hemsworth will be here. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on. >> jimmy: tall drink of water. >> steve: he's the best. >> jimmy: chris and i are going to compete in a special holiday themed go- kart race. >> steve: ooh. >> jimmy: yeah, you'll see. it's interesting. and then we have our pal jim gaffigan will be here. [ cheers and applause ] hilarious. >> steve: hilarious. >> jimmy: and great music from jamie lawson. >> steve: woah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is tomorrow. then friday, set your dvr, set your tivo, set your betamaxes for friday because -- they still make tivo? >> steve: sure, yeah, why not. >> jimmy: i think so, yeah. >> steve: oh, they do. came out with a brand-new one. >> jimmy: oh, perfect. here. [ cheers and applause ] kirsten dunst, calvin harris
it's a big show friday. but tonight, can you think of two better guests? >> steve: no. >> jimmy: they're just fantastic. oh, my gosh. >> steve: they're the best people on earth. >> jimmy: first, joining us, she starred opposite tina fey in the big new comedy -- [ cheers and applause ] i know! i love her too. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: "sisters" hits theaters next friday. amy poehler is here tonight. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] poehler. >> jimmy: oh, i love her. amy's gonna tell us all about the movie. then we're really going to get to know each other through a a game called "truth or truth." [ cheers ] plus, as i said, he's one of the funniest guys around. every single time he comes on, he's just -- i don't know. what is his delivery like? i don't know how to describe it. >> steve: it's deadpan with emotion. >> jimmy: is it like -- deadpan with emotion? >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. it's something like that. yeah. it's just so clever. every single line. i don't know what's a joke. he's just -- every single line is really, really clever, and
>> jimmy: he's a great guy to sit next to at an event or a a party, too. did i tell you that one time? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: i was with him -- i might have talked about it last time he was here. but i was sitting next to him and he was talking to me and listening to me. and he was pouring coffee in a a cup and he just let the coffee pour over the cup into the thing. and then he put cream in it and then he took the cup off, without out even making eye contact, took the cup off the thing and drank out of the [ laughter ] such a good bit. and he didn't even stop. he's like, "oh, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah. oh, that's great. yeah." anyways, he's just great. he's going to perform some stand-up for us, here. teach you kids how to do it. [ cheers and applause ] and then he's going to sit down and talk to us. our pal, the hilarious kevin nealon is stopping by tonight! >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] nicest, funniest -- >> jimmy: he's a joy. he's a joy, yeah. >> steve: what a show. >> jimmy: now, guys, we have exactly eight shows left before we go on christmas break. which means it's time for that beloved "tonight show" tradition. it's time for "12 days of christmas sweaters." [ cheers and applause ] 12 days of christmas sweaters
>> jimmy: that's right. every show between now and christmas, we're giving one lucky audience member a snazzy christmas sweater from the countdown to christmas cabinet. [ cheers and applause ] now, since there are eight shows left, let's open door number eight. [ drum roll ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: a little subtle package. a little surprise package there. [ laughter ] someone forgot to open one. there's a surprise package on the back. let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.
number. and if i call -- if i call your number, and it has to be your number. if i call your number, i need you to jump up and let me know where you are. quest, can i get a drum roll, please? who wants me to pick their number? who wants a good sweater? [ cheers and applause ] 316! [ cheers and applause ] come on over. right here. hi, guys. how are you doing? hey, how are you? >> good, how are you? >> jimmy: i'm fantastic. what is your name? >> steve. >> jimmy: steve, where you from? >> new city, new york. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, that's what i'm talking about. steve from new city. do you have anything like this? i see you like -- you enjoy sweaters. >> yeah, i have one.
one. happy hanukkah, by the way. [ laughter ] >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: either way, it's a a season of giving, right? >> right. i will be giving this to somebody. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. no, while you wear it, you'll be giving the idea that you think of others during this time of year. just -- do you want to try it on there? >> sure. >> jimmy: this will be good, steve. this will be great. >> extra small, right? >> jimmy: yeah. no, this is perfect for you. i knew you were gonna win it tonight. you can get in here. in here, steve. look at this. [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. steve, it's fantastic. look at you. you look like a million bucks walking down the street. >> unbelievable. >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> unbelievable. >> jimmy: you feel like a >> i feel like a new city person. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's nice to see you,
[ cheers and applause ] hey, give it up for steve again. stick around. we'll be right back with amy poehler, everybody! happy hanukkah, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] now more than ever america's electricity comes from cleaner- burning natural gas. and no one produces more of it than exxonmobil. helping dramatically reduce u.s. emissions. because turning on the lights... isn't as simple as just flipping a switch. energy lives here. what's this? a box. it takes worn out things and makes them better. it's our biggest breakthrough yet. we're taking worn out batteries and making them into something strong. energizer ecoadvanced. p world's first long lasting r battery made with r
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, are you ready? [ cheers and applause ] we are joined right now by a a "new york times" best-selling author, a golden globe award-winning actor, and a a 17-time emmy nominee. starting next friday, december 18th, you can see her opposite tina fey in the hilarious new movie called "sisters." please welcome one of the best. here's amy poehler. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so fantastic, as
>> i was in a lot of traffic. i literally just got here two minutes ago. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. >> i know. it's exciting. >> jimmy: it's the holiday season. >> i had no prep. it really felt like a live experience running in here to get in the seat. >> jimmy: well, this is it. we don't have anything prepared. >> i'm just rolling on adrenaline. i'll really nervous, and i'm really hyped up! [ cheers ] >> jimmy: your voice is changing a little bit. i can tell you're a little nervous. i got to say congrats on everything. i haven't seen you. "yes, please," a "new york times" best-selling book. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the book is gigantic. love it. love the cover. love the cover of you. that's so cute and cool. >> mary ellen matthews shot that. >> jimmy: is it mary ellen? >> yeah. >> jimmy: she's fantastic. mary ellen matthews from "saturday night live." she's just the best. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that is great. looking good here, too. >> thanks, buddy. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: my buddy. just there. >> i was just hanging out. >> jimmy: you got that more
you don't want gla. i want more. yeah, yeah. you're more right there. you got the good side, yeah. >> it only took five hours to get ready for this. movie that you starred in -- you know it's made, like, $800-something million? >> yeah, i know. >> my dad was talking to me about "sisters," which i think will do very well, and i expect it to, hopefully. it's gonn be 'inside out' numbers?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: $850 million -- >> pixar is its own world. >> jimmy: did you have fun doing that thing? >> it was super fun. great experience. they're awesome guys. >> jimmy: just going in and recording or did you get to improvise? >> yes, we got to improvise a a lot. but it takes five years, six years to do a movie like that. i came in at the end, which is, like, the last three years. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow, isn't that unbelievable? that's pretty crazy. did your kids enjoy it? how are your sons? >> they loved it, but my little guy is still afraid of movies. he won't go see movies.
he just does this thing of, like, "you know." he talks a big game. then he's like, "no thanks." like, he just fails. [ laughter ] so when we had a screening of "inside out" actually, and all of his friends were there. he just was like, "i'm going to" -- like he just pretended like he had something else to do. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a 5-year-old? >> it was super cute, yes. >> jimmy: super cute. how's the older one? >> archie is ready for anything. walked by, and he was with some neighbors of ours. i was like, "what are you doing?" he was like, "mom, i'm watching 'divergent.'" i was like, "should you be watching?" >> jimmy: "should you be watching, though?" might be too something, right? yeah. violent or something. who knows. >> we're talking about things we didn't even prep. >> jimmy: we don't care. we don't need it. we want to know about the kids. are they best friends? >> they're great. they're so great. archie is doing this thing now, though, where he's kind of acting like, um, he's -- the older brother, and he tortures his younger brother. so -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> he psychologically tortures him.
kevin spacey-like moves. [ laughter ] where he just -- where able, my younger one, will be like, "i can't wait to play with my legos." and archie will be like, "those aren't your legos." [ laughter ] he'll be like, "they're mine. they're my legos." then he'll be like, "not anymore." able will immediately start to cry. and archie will be like, "if you want to play, you have to talk to me first." he's just constantly horrible. he's always telling him up is down. >> jimmy: whatever he can do. are they going to see "star wars"? the big "star wars" movie? >> well i think they -- again, they like the idea of it. it's a little too adult for them. to see it. i think -- so no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes. they're not going to see it. >> no. >> jimmy: you and tina did a saying, because your movie comes out the same weekend.
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't know if you knew that. >> you know, jimmy, that's a a problem. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you just heard about this tonight? the first time you heard about it? >> we have to get on the press wagon. >> jimmy: the press wagon? no one even says that. >> a car with a megaphone. >> jimmy: that's what you do, yeah. that makes more sense, yeah. >> we got to at least get a a flatbed. >> jimmy: go around, let everyone know "sisters" in town. get a flatbed, get the band together. let everyone know that "sisters" is coming out the same weekend. >> like a chain letter or something. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have to get the word out quick. you don't put out a chain letter, how is anyone going to know? "hey, are you on linkedin?" [ laughter ] we got to get this out man. i have to link so many people into this. this is coming out the same day as "star wars." >> yeah, it's coming out. it's coming out. but, you know, i think it's going to be a great weekend for movies. and, you know, you can see both. >> jimmy: it's legal. it's legal. you can see as many movies as you want. >> "star wars" is going to be sold out, so go see our
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: enjoy it. sitting in the front row, "i can't see anything. i don't know what to do." go see "sisters." enjoy yourself. then next week, go see "star wars." >> yeah, "star wars" is going to be around for long time. >> jimmy: don't worry about it, yeah. [ laughter ] "sisters" is super funny, by the way. congratulations. >> thank you, buddy. >> jimmy: do you want to set up the plot all? >> sure. it's a film about tina and i who play two sisters who are kind of stuck in our lives. and our parents, who are very vital, young, hip parents decide to sell our childhood home. we go back to clean out our rooms and we throw the rager that we always wanted to have in high school. >> jimmy: and you really kind of went for it? >> we did. we really destroyed a house in almost real time. [ laughter ] and we have a great cast. ike barinholtz, bobby moynahan. >> jimmy: maya rudolph. >> maya rudolph, rachel dratch, so many hilarious people in it. so, it was like a real reunion. and we shot nights in long island for florida, and we went a little crazy. >> jimmy: yeah, you really did.
of the movie. >> this clip is i think the tattooing moon. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know. you're not in "star wars." this is not "star wars." that's "star wars." [ laughter ] >> i don't care. >> jimmy: no, no, no. we do care. we don't care about "sisters" is what we care about. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: this is -- you have thrown this rager. you and tina are throwing a a crazy rager party. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and this is the third time the cops come. >> oh, okay. the cops? >> jimmy: yeah. >> okay, so i have much respect for the police officers. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, we all do. >> yes, of course. in this particular episode, my character is trying to go for it and have a good time at a a party. she never goes for it, so she gives lip service to the guy trying to break it up. >> jimmy: super funny and super, super -- i will say, rewatchable, too. you can see "sisters" and see "sisters" again because there's a joke in every -- there's so many jokes, you might miss how many jokes there are. >> yeah, and we're all holding the light savers. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: first, they're
>> they're not light savers? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they're not light savers. they're light sabres. >> we're all holding light sabers. >> jimmy: they're holding light sabres. oh, i know, i know. >> not light savers! that's "star wars," jimmy! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's "star wars." i know. in this movie, it's "light savers." big deal. it's fresh breath and minty -- >> so suddenly "star wars" owns life savers. [ laughter ] no. >> jimmy: no, no. they don't. in fact -- >> oh, my god! >> jimmy: you guys, get out there and let everyone know that they have nothing to do with this. >> all i know is if you have fresh breath, go to "sisters." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: here's amy poehler and tina fey in "sisters." it's in theaters next friday. check this out. >> oh, man. who called the cops? >> having a pretty big party, huh? >> oh, is 500 people too much? >> po-po, po-po. oh, somebody call a stripper? you going to take your clothes off for us. you can't come in here without
this is where i live. this is our house. >> yep. >> this is where we live, okay. next 24 hours. a lot of sex is going to happen. a lot of sexy times. you can't stop that. against the law. as much as you would love that, wouldn't you? why don't you step off, blue. don't you know i'm loco? >> now we know that. >> officer doughnuts, why don't you go back to your squad car and go save a kitten from a a tree because these [ bleep ] are doing fine. so wrap your mind around that cap'n crunch, capisce? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, that's how you do it right there. that's how you do it if you're going to do it. more with amy poehler after the break. stick around, everybody. we'll be right back.
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ohhh! so sorry we have no more room at the grown-up table. get on down. there's two chairs right there. i know right? a piece of advice step up your style, it's the holidays. they look amazing. they do look much nicer than us. look how much fun they're having! what are you talking about? me? they can't hear you. janice! dave! david! tony! guys. what? there's this huge holiday sale going on at old navy. the entire store is up to 60% off. get some new clothes, bam, you're in. lets go now. you are a holiday miracle. fact you won't find the brand pharmacists recommend most for cold and flu relief at the shelf. advil cold & sinus is only behind the pharmacy counter. ask your pharmacist for fast, powerful advil cold & sinus. relief doesn't get
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. we're hanging out with amy poehler! [ cheers and applause ] "sisters," december 18th. now, amy, i consider you a very honest person. >> thank you, jimmy. >> yeah, you're welcome. look, we're both honest people. i want to know who's more honest. it's time for "truth or truth." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. you're up first, aimsters. what's it going to be? truth or truth? >> truth. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: what's your biggest fear? >> easy.
[ laughter ] and then being asked to dance. and dancing better than j. lo. [ laughter ] and j. lo being angry. i don't want j. lo to be angry at me. that's my biggest fear. jimmy? >> jimmy: mm-hmm. >> now it's your turn. i think. is this how this works? >> jimmy: yeah. >> truth or truth? >> jimmy: truth. >> where's someplace you've never had sex? >> jimmy: in my 20s. [ laughter and applause ] i did run into chuck in the elevator once.
your turn. >> fine. >> jimmy: truth or truth? [ laughter ] >> truth. >> jimmy: what does your real voice sound like? >> what do you mean? [ light laughter ] do you mean when i am speaking my native tongue? [ light laughter ] do you mean when i speak to my relatives or my people i love? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: love? >> yimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sofia vergara or something. >> please. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. i'm not preparing anything, we're both -- >> we're very different. >> jimmy: very different. i apologize.
>> jimmy: mm. >> and i mean, i have enjoyed this game so far, but i'd like you to tell the truth. truth or truth? >> jimmy: well, okay. truth. >> what's in your pocket right now? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: a cd case with bon jovi's 2005 album, "have a nice day," but inside is green day's "dookie" cd. [ laughter ] want me to prove it? check this out, man. >> whoa. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: bang. bang. [ cheers ] all right. last one, poehler. >> those great songs. >> truth -- truth or truth?
>> i'm too old for dares. i'm too smart for lies. i'm too quick -- >> jimmy: don't read your lower back tattoo. [ laughter ] >> you're right. you're right. >> jimmy: yeah, you're right, right. let's just -- >> i shouldn't say my tattoo, i should live it. you're right. [ laughter ] i used to love it, i love that tattoo. >> jimmy: i shouldn't say my tattoo, i should live it. that's correct. >> okay, truth. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what's your gmail password? >> pizza hut monkey butt dot orgy. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that is "truth or truth." our thanks to amy poehler. "sisters" is in theaters december 18th. we have stand-up from kevin nealon after the break. don't read your tattoo, live it, everybody. stick around. [ cheers and applause ] surprise!!!!! we heard you got a job as a developer!
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you can catch at caroline's on broadway right here in new york city. great comedy club. starting tomorrow night through sunday. please welcome a very funny man. here is kevin nealon, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thanks. i appreciate that. that's nice. thank you. have you guys ever been eating popcorn at somebody's house and then start wondering if that popcorn bowl is also their throw-up bowl? [ light laughter ] because i will tell you something. it is at our house. [ laughter ] just like a lot of our cereal bowls. how am i doing on time, jimmy? >> jimmy: just started. >> more time, okay. >> jimmy: just started. you just started. the first joke. [ laughter ] >> umm.
ted talks too much. [ laughter ] how about kevin talks, ted listens for a change? [ laughter and applause ] better yet, how about ted shuts up? because really, you learn when you listen. don't you? important. i was never a big reader in school. my teachers always say i would rather play and have fun, games, things like that. such a veracious reader. about history. i'm reading about the great explorer marco polo! [ laughter ] and, the thing about marco polo was he went to the far east, and he brought back spices. and then, marco polo, polo, he went back and brought back a a spice rack as well. so, this guy was amazing. now, the thing about marco -- >> polo. >> rubio.
[ cheers and applause ] the thing about marco rubio is he is no marco polo. polo. [ laughter ] here's what it is. in the 13th century, spices were probably a great gift. very unique. you know, it's hard to find nowadays. last year, my wife gave me a a star as a christmas gift. i thought that was so sweet and so thoughtful. you know, it came with a a certificate, a chart to show you where it was in the sky. they named it after me. which would be great. then it dawned on me that most of the stars we see in the sky don't exist anymore. they burned out years ago. [ light laughter ] we're seeing the light coming from light years away, at us. so basically, last year my wife got me nothing. [ laughter ] she may have well have gotten me a gift card from blockbuster video.
[ cheers and applause ] amazon says if i like a star, well, i might also like an echo from the grand canyon. [ light laughter ] but you know what it is? she's always coming up with stuff. last year, for my birthday party, it was a surprise birthday party. and she totally fooled me. i had no idea. it came out of nowhere. i thought that was so cool. then i started thinking, she was really good with keeping that a secret and lying. and i thought, i mean, what else is she lying about? [ light laughter ] last week, she surprised me again. she came home, she had hair extensions. and they're actually from a a russian prostitute. but she didn't tell me that. i recognized them. [ laughter ] we have a 7-year-old, and i'm telling you, a 7-year-old, they're the best. people say, what does he like? well, he likes to get dizzy is what he likes. which i think is a gateway to
it's really the first time you a kid. you know, you start spinning around and stuff. he does. he goes off the college, the other kids are smoking pot, getting drunk. he's in the corner. guys, you mind if i move the couch to get dizzy in the [ laughter ] i got extra helmets if you want to join us. because, you know, it will be responsible spinning, and there too. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] no, i'm just saying. and you know, he has the craziest way of reasoning. like i was explaining baseball to him. he goes, "daddy, am i -- so i'm safe on first base as long as my hand gets there before the ball gets there?" i said, "well, actually, any part of your body, as long as it's there before the ball gets there, you're safe." and he thought about it, he said, "well, what if i took a a big poop on first base and it was still attached to my butt?" [ laughter ] "would i be safe?" i thought, technically, yeah, yeah, you would be safe, but you would have to get there
[ laughter ] but he does like to have fun. he loves, he loves pizza, cold pizza. he wants it in his lunch box every day for school. and i know the teachers are looking in there and they're judging. and, so what we do is we'll put an apple in there with some carrots, as like a beard for the pizza. [ light laughter ] and he never touches the apple or the carrots. we've been using the same apple and carrots every day for the whole year. [ laughter and applause ] but i'm so tired, i'm just tired of being judged. i mean, everything we do, we're being judged. even like when we set up a new website, they gauge us on the weak! that's weak. [ laughter ] it's not only weak. it's sickly and jaundiced. it's practically on life support. i'm surprised you're up walking around. you probably sleep with the door open, don't you? protection, do you? [ light laughter ] i'm so sick of being judged! all right, well that's, i gotta go, if that's all right with you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: no, stay. we're going to wave good-bye.
[ cheers and applause ] we're talking more with kevin nealon when we come back. stick around. you can't just leave. [ cheers and applause ] so sorry we have no more room at the grown-up table. get on down. there's two chairs right there. i know right? a piece of advice step up your style, it's the holidays. they look amazing. they do look much nicer than us. look how much fun they're having! what are you talking about? me? they can't hear you. janice! dave! david! tony! guys. what? there's this huge holiday sale going on at old navy. the entire store is up to 60% off. get some new clothes, bam, you're in. lets go now. you are a holiday miracle. other wireless carriers make families share data switch to t-mobile now and get 4 lines with up 6gb each. just $30 bucks a line and no sharing. plus get the samsung galaxy s6
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. we're hanging out with the very funny, the one and only kevin nealon. [ cheers ] thank you so much for being here. thank you for doing that. that was amazingly awesome and great. i appreciate that you're here. how are you? >> i'm doing fantastic, jimmy, as you just witnessed. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> very, very good. it's good. i'm very excited. my wife and i just celebrated anniversary. thank you. ah, that's nice. >> jimmy: and how did you celebrate? >> well, we got married on thanksgiving. so ten years ago. so this year, we went to chicago to kind of give back because we're grateful for what we have. and we worked in a soup line because those people need help, too. you know? [ cheers and applause ] they do. thank you. >> jimmy: actually you told me
a pretty awesome anniversary present. >> yes, she did. my wife is pregnant with our second child. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: second kid? >> second. >> jimmy: how is gable, how's your -- >> thank you for asking. gable is doing great. he's -- i'm really proud of him. he just entered the science fair contest at school. out of 1500 kids, first place. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: impressive. >> appreciate it. >> jimmy: what a year you're having. do you ever get a chance to just sit back and relax? >> starting saturday, because friday, i'm donating my kidney to "kidney been soup foundation research." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not what this is for. kevin, wait a second. this whole thing -- none of these accomplishments are true, are they? >> no, jimmy. [ laughter ] no. i'm sorry. i have a -- i'm a people pleaser. >> jimmy: sure. >> and when i'm trying to please the audience, i'm hurting someone that's closest to me, which is you. and that's what happens. you know, you hurt the people that you love by pleasing total
>> jimmy: i got to say thank you for doing that. it feels kind of pretty good. we all had a good time fake thinking these things were true. >> well, you know, i steered you down a wrong street. >> jimmy: you're turning this lemon to lemonade, this problem of yours, because you're were actually, in real life, you're making a movie about it. >> this is true, yes. i have written a screenplay called "the pleaser." and it's based on an actual incident that happened in my life from being a people pleaser that put my wife and i in an awkward and uncomfortable situation. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is real? >> this is real. we're going to shoot the movie this summer. and we're gonna do it through a a crowd-funding campaign. >> jimmy: how does that work? like kickstarter? >> i don't know. i have no idea. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is it thepleasermovie.com? >> go to thepleasermovie.com. >> jimmy: "the pleaser"? >> thepleasermovie.com. >> jimmy: i want to do it. >> and we get fans to get onboard and contribute. and they'll have incentives, like depending on what they contribute, we give them an autographed script or a set visit or i'm an ordained minister. i'll come and do their wedding and marry them.
>> jimmy: that's some good incentives right there. and so this is going down this >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. in california? >> in california. visit. you can even get onboard. >> jimmy: i can? what do i have to do? >> just donate. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what's the minimum thing you can donate? >> a penny. >> jimmy: i'll see what i can do. i'll see what i can do. >> there's no minimum. >> jimmy: i'm doing a a crowd-funding sit called "help me fund the pleaser movie." if anyone goes on there, gives me money, whatever i can donate to thepleasermovie.com. it's a crowd-funding -- it kick-starts me into funding your film. >> if you go to thepleasermovie.com, we have a a teaser up right now. we'll be chatting with adam sandler about trying to get him onboard. >> jimmy: oh, yeah? >> we got a lot of friends that involved. best -- i always love every time you come on the show, not because you're one of the funniest human beings ever, but you're also one of my favorites -- all-time favorite comedians.
[ cheers and applause ] i'm honored to have you come any night you want. i will go to thepleasermovie.com, and i'm totally going to do it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: maybe i'll pop in and see you at caroline's this weekend because you're there. >> that would be great. will you come on? >> jimmy: no, but i'll come to the show and say hi to you. >> i'll take that. i came to your show, you come to my show. >> jimmy: exactly, yeah. i don't have to talk at your show. >> because you learn by listening. [ laughter ] that's what i learned. >> jimmy: yeah, marco. >> polo. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kevin nealon, everybody. if you're in new york city, catch him at a great club, "caroline's" on broadway tomorrow night through sunday. we'll be right back, everybody.
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